Author Topic: 21st Century Oz  (Read 2076 times)

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Jim Jordan

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21st Century Oz
« on: April 01, 2007, 02:30:43 AM »
I work with an Autistic student that is rewarded with good work by getting to watch videos. His favorite is Oz. While viewing it I realized it needs an update. This is my effort to do that;



                      The 21st Century Oz Screenplay

                                             by Jim Jordan

Scene: Dorothy and her posse bring the witch’s broom to the Wizard of Oz and ask for their rewards. The scarecrow says, “duh I need a brain.” Dorothy adds, “When I found him he had a stick up his butt and a brainless look on his face.” The wizard chuckles and says, “A stuck up kind a feller eh.” He continued, “ My dear sir you could use some memory enhancers like smart drugs to boost your cognitive abilities. Forget about Ginkgo Biloba extract and that health food store crap. From my personal research in the ‘60’s, I’d say go with a mind expander. LSD is the ticket. One hit lasts 12 hours so it’s economical so don’t bother with a generic. I’ll write you a prescription but let me warn you about side effects, they are: nausea, vomiting, fear, despair, confusion, acute pain, elevated blood pressure, excess salivation which in your case could cause mold, then there’s inappropriate speech which could lead you to being called, the Swearcrow not to mention brain damage, flashbacks, hallucinations and euphoria.” “Euphoria?” asks the scarecrow. “You know,” Dorothy, says, “that feeling we all felt when we nodded off in that poppy field.” All of Dorothy’s posse smiles. The Wizard adds, “I almost forgot to mention that long term use leads to spontaneous combustion.”

          As the scarecrow stands staring straight ahead with a brainless look on his face, the Lion speaks out. He bellows, “Your Wizardry, I seek courage.” The Wizard recommends testosterone cypronate an injectable anabolic steroid. This he ensures the lion will enhance your strength and stamina enabling you to feel like the king of the jungle. The only word the Lion heard was injectable and he was feeling queasy. The Wizard then listed the side effects of steroids: tumors, lesions of the liver, retardation, scarring acne, a weakened immune system, high blood pressure, prostrate enlargement, headaches, depression, nausea, agitation, road rage or in the lion’s case, jungle rage, hot flashes, deepening of voice and yellowing of skin (two things that lion already has), body odor (the lion puts his hand under his armpit and then smells it and shudders), baldness, decreased fertility, mange, fleas, feline leukemia, breast enlargement and shrinking and drying up of the testicles. The lion is now lying on the ground, passed out.

          The tin woodsman steps over the lion and states, “I am heartless. It makes me have an axe to grind. Damn it, I want a heart.” Dorothy chimes in, “When I found the tin man in the woods, he was a stiff man in need of lubrication and I obliged.” The Tin man adds, “I might be made of tin but I’ve still got lead in my pencil.” The good Wiz raises his eyebrows at Dorothy and gives her the once over from top to bottom. He then replies, “ Tin can man you need a heart transplant.” We need to find a suitable donor,” he says, as he glances at the passed out Lion to see if he is breathing. He continues, “The perfect donor with similar blood, coronary arteries and heart will eliminate chances of rejection and death. He added, “even with the perfect donor the recipient may experience: constant diarrhea, gastrointestinal discomfort, infections, malignant tumors, diabetes and toxins to kidneys, liver and bone marrow. Then, of course, cancerous rust is inevitable.

          The Wizard smiles at Dorothy. She states, “I want to return to Kansas and by damn I took on a Witch and brought back her broom like you asked. After all the only Witch I ever saw before OZ was Wichita home of the first Pizza Hut.” “First I had to deal with Witches now it’s bitches” says, the Wiz He summons a munchkin and whispers to him. The little man returns shortly with a box. The Wiz hands it to Dorothy who opens it to find a GPS navigation System with satellite and data vendors and software included. The Wizard explains, “This system is comparable with the house vehicle you dropped in with. The downside is such systems lack data on some streets especially in suburbs and rapid growth pockets. It is also shy on any data for Area 51.” Dorothy replies, “Kansas is big spaces rural country and certainly not a growth pocket area.” The Wizard adds, “The biggest downside is that the system sets off radioactive waves that will kill any dog or cat in the vehicle.”

          Dorothy is no computer geek so a Munchkin TV show called, “Pimp MY House” came to the rescue.  They didn’t want Dorothy’s house plane to never be found like that other Kansas native, Amelia Earhart. They install the GPS system plus a 50,000-watt sound system, several plasma flat screens with cable linked to the weather channel and “All MY Children” because Dorothy was way behind in watching her stories. Also included were; new air bags, a low rider suspension and of course no modern home would be complete without double sinks in the bathroom. The outside has been power washed to remove Witches blood and all new safety glass windshields with wipers and washers were installed. Dorothy was so thankful she didn’t know what to say and was quieter than silent comedian and Kansas native, Buster Keaton. As the Munchkins sing, “Ding dong the switch is on” Dorothy turns the key and blasts off.

          It has been two years since Dorothy left Kansas. Her house settles down on the grounds of the Gale Corporate Farm where she lived. She exits the house into a destroyed wheat field for Kansas is the breadbasket to the world. It is also home to the graham cracker named after Kansas native, Rev. Graham. Dorothy is carrying the body of her Pit Bull, Toto and places it on the ground. She looks around to see the timbers that were former barns and outbuildings. She finds a dead homely elderly woman with foam on her lips as if she had died of rabies. She takes the woman’s bicycle and rides into town past the ruins of homesteads along the way.

           In town people mingle around a cement block Salvation Army building. Dorothy asks about former neighbors only to be told they might be at the Kansas City Chiefs stadium where people have been living for two years. She is told everyone at the Gale Corporate Farm was killed. Dorothy realizes that once again she is an orphan. She hopes this time Children’s Services won’t place her on another corporate owned farm where she was forced to work long hours at low pay alongside illegal aliens. Dorothy learns most storm cellars failed to protect people because the conservative government of Kansas didn’t believe in safety standards or inspections. The only Kansas home that the federal government has seen fit to rebuild is Bob Dole’s. Because of slow federal response by FEMA and the Army Corp of Engineers, tens of thousands died. People are homeless because insurance companies declared bankruptcy rather than settle claims. Bechtel and Halliburton are the only ones profiting from the disaster.

          A National Guardsman with an M 16 rifle sees Dorothy coming out of a Porta-Johnny crying and asks her what’s wrong. The young rural student of America’s supposed failed public school system wisely states, “ No one needs to gaze into a crystal ball to see that our country is ill-equipped to handle large scales emergencies be they floods, fires, tornados or terrorist attacks. We also got suckered into invading Iraq by liars, tyrants and war profiteers oh my. We need to overhaul this nation’s emergency response system. Even you National Guardsmen are not here to help displaced people but to protect capitalist interests against looters. Our country has let us down and we need to reform it from the top down. In other words, we need to impeach Bush.” At this point a crowd of angry homeless people who were in the long Porta-Johnny lines exclaim in unison, “Ain’t it the truth, ain’t it the truth.”

         Dorothy goes on to explain how things work better in the magical Land of Oz. She explains, “It is a workers paradise where there is full employment, where everyone is in a union, where workers own and manage the means of production, where everyone makes a livable wage, workers have 8 weeks a year paid vacation, a full retirement at age 40, universal healthcare, affordable state housing and free higher education. They don’t have crime, other than some crazy, psycho witches. They have no religion, which might be why they have no wars. They have anarcho-syndicalist participator democracy and legal poppy snorting.”  She continued, “It’s a place free of evils like pop music divas, boy bands. Disco, Paris Hilton and paintings by P. Buckley Moss. It’s a place where artists, musicians, poets and lollipop kid hip hoppers are worshipped. A place where there is no racism because humans and munchkins love one another. All in all, it’s a paradise somewhere over the rainbow.”

        The guardsman midway through this speech has used his cell phone to call a nearby mental hospital. A white van that says, “Marvel Mental Hospital” on the side pulls up and three men in white coats exit the back. These men look like the Lion, Scarecrow and Tin Woodsman and they place a straight jacket on Dorothy. She clicks her shoes together only to have a heel fall off her cheap Vietnamese sweatshop made red clogs. She is screaming, “There’s no place like Oz.” As they toss her in the Chinese made van she says, “I want to go to OZ.” “When monkeys fly” laughs, the man who looks like the Lion. The vehicle driven by a man who resembles the wizard speeds off down the Kansas turnpike, which is privately owned by a Saudi firm.